happy & sad

HAPPY

SOOOOOOO
it’s been a while my tumbling friend.

I’m finding it hard to deduce how I feel about my life at the moment.

Things are going swimmingly in terms of CS, and my relationships with Tom and Tom have only strengthened. I had a fucking brilliant time at YMA6 with them, and as always i smack faces (or try to) on a daily basis with at least one of them. Vert’s helped remind me why he’s my best friend, because he’s always been there for me and though he doesn’t deal with my emotional problems, he cheers me up by including me and telling me things about his life, which, by the way, are very fascinating and full of Lulz.

Also, I had a brief period of closeness with Lily Grant. She’s kept me smiling and gave me something to do between writing essays in my half term. She listens to my rants and tells me that I’m awesome. She also finds me funny. tl;dr, she’s cool.

I was fortunate enough when I went to YM@6 to get a lot of compliments regarding my weight, and while this has only sorta reversed itself due to my sedentary lifestyle SINCE, it’s given me hope that one day I may reach my goal, and inspired me to take a more active approach to weight loss. I jog a lot now and I’m currently trying to do the hundredpushups.com challenge which is awesome. Plus, my teeth and hair are pretty good lately, which is cool.

I got two offers, ABB and BBB from Sheffield and Manchester respectively. bodes well for Leeds and SOAS, but I’m still waiting for Oxford. Fairly confident I’ll get the interview, well, fingers crossed lol :}.

I’ve honestly tried to be a lot more social and friendly, and finally think before I speak in public. It’s working well I think, I need to ground myself and keep it that way. It may mean i have to resort to being sycophantic, but that’s a measure I’m prepared to take.

School’s also going well, I’m getting top grades in Russian History and The Merchant’s Tale for English and I’m doing alright in Maths (though I REALLY need to get Mr Patel to teach me mechanics again) and Hamlet. Actually, I should be writing an essay right now. Ahahaha. Well, I suppose I’m doing TERRIBLY in Tudor Rebellions (the synoptic paper) but I’m hoping that will improve with time. I’m only just starting to grasp the connotations of it being a synoptic paper, lol.

I suppose there’s a lot for me to be smiling about or atleast looking forward to, and that’s good.

SAD

I’m fat, failing history, and won’t get into oxford.

Sorted.

FFS

but, things can’t always go right.

First and foremost, I’m kinda fucked off about one of my closest friends (who is, for all our purposes, my best friend that happens to be a girl.)

I don’t think it’s any secret that I’ve had a massive crush on her since like, ever. But, as everyone that has ever spoken to me on an emotional level knows, I have never tried to do anything about it, for sake of awkwardness and because I knew she never felt the same way. I have always been supportive of her and her boyfriends, and though it has pained me to see her so happy with different people, I have never before expressed grief about this.

So when she gets serious with her latest venture, I play it cool and I don’t say anything. I give the guy a chance. I listen to what she says about him and I give him a big approval. This is the first boyfriend that I’ve liked of hers. Things are cool, I just cant watch them flirting in the same room, so i leave. Things are cool. My life moves on. I can deal with it.

Yet, for some fucking reason things can’t just work like that.

Not only did I, due to other circumstances (namely the passing away of my beloved Grandmother, amongst other things), become extremely emotional over the last few months, I had come to depend on the emotional support of my closest friends, those of whom that are outside my school are really unable to really deal with things for me for obvious reasons, so obviously the responsibility falls to my school friends to cheer me up.

That includes the girl I’m talking about… though for all purposes we shall call her lady E.

Except, Lady E, who is supposed to be my closest school friend, is extremely distant to me for the whole of the first half term of school. We have our moments, but ultimately she’s just not into our conversations and really couldnt care if i came into school.

Yeah, I was an emotional wreck and yeah, I wasn’t too fun to talk to… but we all have our periods like that, and you can’t fault me for going through things.

She’s gone into this thing that she did with her last boyfriend and her friends. Her last few boyfriends, atleast. Suddenly, they take over her life and for a brief period all she can do is talk about them. For the rest of the time, she’s unable to make commitments and see ANYONE else because of it.

The girl who once said she loved me and had giggles with me on msn about stupid shit was now as distant as a teacher, as someone who sits across you in history.

Long story short, I stupidly write a coded message on my myspace directed towards her.

She confronted me about it, and I explained everything.

She said she still wanted to be my friend.

Yet, since?
Wtf.

First day back to school, totally ignored me.
Second day back, I try to speak to her, questions fall on uninsterested ears. The answers she went into crazy detail over for everyone else came out short and bland for me.

Literally, I asked her about where she went on holiday.

It wasn’t the kind of holiday you can just brush off with a “yeah i had fun”.

Fuck.

Then, since then.

She hasn’t said a word.

Made eye contact.

Even acknowledged my existence.

and today, when I ask her if she’s alright because she’s dead quiet….

she shoves me off.

Fuck

how fickle can one be?

so yeah

i cried on the way home today.

and i’m not even that emotional

fucking women.

ability to bring even the most arrogant half azn kid through the ground and to the pits of depression.

I have not been able to fucking think straight for two weeks because of this.

Stole the idea from Tommmmmmm

Check out his Tumblr / MySpace. I figured this (combined with Twitter) will be a great way of sharing useless and irrelevant (oh and some relevant information) in regards to my plans with ZeroPositive, school, my social life and well, things in general. I will probably supplement this with a blog elsewhere.